Thinking that you know someone is an interesting thing. I bet a lot of people thought they knew me pretty well. Until one day I said; henceforth I shall go by the name of a mountain ash.
It didn´t happen all of a sudden. I mean, my fluidity -in terms of identity – was already out there. Wouldn´t be the first time in my life that I changed; but for that to be known to you, you would have needed to have stuck around for a period of five years, at least.
It´s funny how when you change things about your exterior, you still fit in the “snapshot” people recall when they hear your name, but in reality, you´re pretty much just adapting your skin to your internal life.
Time and again we learn that we´re in a process of continuous renewal, never static, though you might fool yourself into believing that your ideas are carved in stone. We disintegrate and integrate; taking and leaving experiences with us.
This is the story of how I disintegrated completely. It happened pretty suddenly, too, to the outside eye. Like one day I just upped and said: “I´m a guy now. Start treating me like one”. Brows were furrowed. “Are you sure? You don´t seem like one to me”.
I never engaged in mud wrestling or monster truck driving, I´ll give you that. What kind of image would I have had to fit in to be seen as a guyish person? What kind of exterior stereotypes would I have had to mimick?
I thought I was a girl, so I behaved like one. I refrained from my natural stance, natural way of walking, and other details that people tend to take for granted, as if their interaction with the outside world were an isolated event…
By which I mean that behavior is at all times conditioned socially, in the sense that unspoken rules will influence what you say, even though you think something else: most people will generally adapt to the world, rather than being themselves completely.
Hence what appeared as sudden move towards manhood to the outside world it was merely an external adaptation of what had been going on inside me for a very long time: I was Rowan all along.