The prequel (2015) III

August 21, 2015

Three weeks ago, I went with a friend of mine to an amusement park, the most renowned in our country and the one that I imagine most Dutch people have gone to once (or probably) more than once in their lives. It was a normal weekday, so in my ever-so-naive mind I had imagined it would be doable. Not.

It was a school holiday and all the kids, and all the parents and wasps from the country had flocked towards this place, swarming around attractions and creating endless lines. Not just the attractions though. There was an extreme line at the romen´s bathroom, naturally. Feeling like a complete alien, I would join the line, evading the curious glances with a short nod.

When the exercise in patience finally ended, I entered a cramped stall reeking of female musk and was immediately surrounded. By chatting. By women screaming. By babies screaming. By the crumpling sounds of female hygiene products. By telephone conversations. And heels clicking on the floor. And of course by sounds that the stall inhabitants tried to mask by doing all of the above.

My bladder slammed shut. I could beg to it all I wanted. “Forget it“, it said – “I won’t comply until you take your business elsewhere”.  I stormed out of the bathroom, feeling sweaty and angry, and not relieved at all. I tried to iron out my face while I walked over to my friend, who was waiting outside. “I hate female bathrooms“, – I said. She looked at me calmly, replied “Maybe you should buy a stand to pee device and just go in the men’s bathroom”.

I don’t know if she was being serious, but this was the moment where my mind began to wonder whether it wasn´t time for me to exit the female lavatory all togheter. Obviously, not all women who hate female bathrooms are gender-queer. The aversion I had against bathrooms as a social experience – as well as the aversion I had towards sitting down to pee – were very indicative for me in my feeling that I didn’t belong.

Although this feeling didn´t completely surface until after I had mingled with my local community, and watched hundreds upon hundreds of other transguy youtubers proclaim their dysphoria, it slowly started to dawn on me that maybe the reason I hated being a woman, is because I wasn´t a woman.

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