When I first started questioning myself on a conscious level, I was in my late twenties. I had always had the nagging feeling that something wasn´t right but I continuously labeled this feeling as “a symptom of my past” rather than seeing it as something that had nothing to do with any childhood experiences. I had begun to watch the second season of “Orange is the New Black” at this time.
“Since I saw Ruby Rose on the sitcom Orange is the New Black, I thought I identified as genderfluid, because she reminded me a lot of myself. However if you´re genderfluid I imagine you kinda feel fine in a female body too. You´d be able to be okay with it if you felt more female one day and more male the next. However when I´m aware of the fact that I was born female I feel negatively, and I can´t figure out whether that´s related to my upbringing or the way my brain is wired.
I´m not sure about this genderfluid thing or about this female to male thing either, because I feel I might be rejecting a part of myself. Maybe it´s necessary that I experiment with being male so I can appreciate femaleness more, maybe this whole transition thing is just me trying to avoid who I am. I saw a kid on YouTube who had been taking testosterone for a while, he was in tears and he said that the longer he was on hormones, the more he felt alienated from who he was, which is what I´m afraid of.
I do see the kind of qualities that I would like to have – compassion and passion – in other guys around me. This last guy I met was a dreamer, things would move him deeply. I want to retain those qualities but am not sure that they are intrinsic to “me” or to “me being female”.Even if I don´t know the answer to that I am still dysphoric aboutmy body and about social situations. When I use the restrooms (female), I feel like an anthropologist trying to understand foreign culture.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what femaleness is. I found some definition relating to anahata (the heart chakra). I figured the energy would be of acceptance, of embracing – of relaxing into yourself and then expanding. But all those things aren´t necessarily female. I think I can have those things in a male body. I do have a tendency to put everything in metaphysical terms and wonder if “I was born female for a reason“. But then again maybe I´m trans so I can experience what life is like as a male.