Soul Searching II: Intimacy

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“I´ve been thinking about how weird it has always been to be intimate. I´m not bad looking, in fact the people I´ve been with were all praise – and yet I felt ashamed and I would rather not have them see me like that (i.e in a female body). They´d be reeling to take a glance of me, while I was fighting the urge to duck under the cover and make the femaleness disappear. I thought of how others talked about sex and how it was the best thing in the world.

I´d heard women talking about their own bodies and being quite happy about specific feminine qualities of it that I just thought were uncomfortable. One guy asked me whether I didn´t feel glad about those things bouncing up and down my chest when I was in a hurry to catch a bus. That was the strangest question, to me, and it wasn´t until then that I confessed that I could care less if they weren´t there.

I´m wondering whether I´d be able to enjoy intimate experiences if I were a guy. I do think that if I had had male genitalia I would enjoy myself more. I basically feel like I have to choose between something that seems alien to me or having surgery and maybe not feeling anything. I feel like if I had the surgery, not feeling anything would be a problem*.

Yesterday I did have the feeling that maybe if I had been male, my relationships would have gone smoother. I´m not sure, I mean, the grass is always greener on the other side. But I feel that being biologically female, I´m much less involved with people and much more private. I´m just not sure whether – if I transitioned – I would still be true to myself and to the child I used to be.”

* Back then I was under the general impression that surgery (I had only heard about phalloplasty) would diminish the sensitivity down there. Depending on the surgery this is not necessarily true, and I find my ideas about this have changed.

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