Depression

railroad

There it is.

I haven´t been feeling quite a hundred percent for a long time. Winters are a bad time for me, anyway. They deprive me of happy hormones, that is to say, the presynaptic cells in my brain are all too happy to take away essential serotonine from me. Just like the trees, I go downhill in October; I get all sad and scrawny, and then around April (when the leaves start growing back) my sanity grows back too.

This year is different: it´s better and it´s worse. Better in the sense that I don´t have to hide behind a theathrical facade of feminity anymore; worse because I am constantly on the threshold of an improved live – I can see it on the horizon – but not moving towards it. Worse because now I know exactly why I feel so funny in my body; and I can´t play the “that´s nonsense, get over it” card.

I was halfway okay when I thought that I was stuck on track for good reason; that I was waiting for a good goal, doing myself a favor. Then, someone on Facebook said that it would take even longer, that the waiting lists had been prolongued for an undefined amount of time – I felt like someone put their hand over my head forcefully and held me underwater – struggling to breathe – my reasons to hold on were desintegrated.

There was a time where I could live in blissful ignorance of the world of transgender healthcare, where I thought that six to twelve months “diagnostics” where a good thing, and I figured a watchdog should decide for me whether I am mentally capable of deciding my own gender identity. This is what seems sensible, but it wouldn´t be the first time that archaic and irrational methods are presented as the best choice.

There it was, from that moment on, I find myself exhausted everyday to the point of needing constant rest, too depressed to eat, and dysphoric to the point of screaming. Now other watchdogs guard over me – the people who get to clean up the mess that monopolized gender healthcare leaves in its trail. I just hope I can hold on long enough to start existing in the physical and mental freedom I deserve.

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