“No, I´m not on testosterone yet. Yes, that really is my own facial hair“. If I had a dollar for every time people thought I was already on testosterone – well, I´d have a jar full of dollars. I wish. As if I had just upped one day and decided that I needed a hormonal upgrade, and checked into an endocrinologists´ office for a quick overhaul. Badabing, Badaboom, Beard! Lower voice! Adult acné! Moodswings! Second puberty!
The truth is changes like that don´t just happen overnight. I already had facial hair, I just removed it, with freaking tweezers, one by one. I also already had the moodswings, the adult acné and the lower voice. People thinking I´m already on hormones makes me feel almost indignant – because imagine what hormones would really do to me. Powerboost! Maybe the patchy, scruffly goatee thing I have would actually fill in.
I inherited weird hormones. My mother had them, and considering that hormones play an important role in the development of the brain during pregnancy, I wouldn´t be surprised if the discrepancy between my brain and my body started somewhere there. My mother does not feel male herself, because as a growing baby, she was exposed to a different hormonal environment than me.
Regular people have both types of hormones too. Women all have testosterone and men all have estrogen – but in very balanced and moderate amounts. Just enough to make you feel quite right. The thing with an hormonal imbalance is that it throws you out of whack. In both men and women, lack of their primary hormone causes mental fog, depression, and a decreased sex drive. In women lack of estogen also causes fatigue and anxiety.
I´m experiencing both sides of the coin, which is great fun. As you can imagine, I can´t wait to get that testosterone prescription so I can feel slightly normal – instead of feeling pumped and agressive on Thursday, and then feel sad and tired on Friday. Testosterone isn´t just the magic pill I take to physically match my brain – it´s the one thing that has the potential of making me feel like a normal human being.