Bricks in my pants

*This post contains spoilers for Whovians who haven´t watched “Heaven Sent” from the ninth series with Peter Capaldi as Doctor Who.

junknope

In the penultimate episode of the ninth series of Doctor Who (the new series), we witness the teleportation of Doctor Who to a grim, waterlocked prison. Here, while getting chased around by a terrifying creature called “The Veil”, he follows a series of clues and ends up opening a door that leads to a towering Azbantium wall. The wall is made of a material that is 400 times tougher than diamond.

The doctor begins to throw punches at the wall, but the Veil sneaks up behind him and burns him. The Doctor, on the verge of dying, drags his body back to the teleporting chamber. He realizes that the teleporter essentially is a database capable of creating endless copies of the Doctor that first arrived. Thus, if he sacrifices himself, he´ll be able to be born anew and throw another punch at the wall, until being killed by the Veil.

The Doctor repeats this process of eroding the wall, getting killed, and creating another copy of himself for 7000 years, until finally he has thrown so much punches at the wall that it crumbles and he can step through to his home planet, Gallifrey. The reason I share this piece of sci-fi with you is that I started out writing about brick walls that you can pound all you want, but won´t budge.

Brick walls of bureaucracy, brick walls of uninformed people, brick walls who protect the status quo but who silence people who try to pierce through the neatly arranged rules of gender and society. The brick wall that is my body, a permanent denial of who I really want to be, and a testimony to people who pretend that God put everybody in their right body, yet still try to “correct” people who are born intersex.

The brick wall is in my jeans, when everytime I look down I see nothing, and it´s in the minds of people who think that maybe I´m just having a bizarre “phase” that somehow managed to last for five years. I just hope that like Doctor Who, I can get the word “patience” to a whole new level, until I can get SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) and finally set foot in a world where my body is my own.

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