I want to write a little bit about the jealousy that originates in a lot of us transguys when we compare ourselves to other cismen. Some of it is unrealistic. For example, I might cringe at the fact that my upper arms, as of right now, are pretty thin – the way my brain sees it, it´s a red flag that screams “feminine!“. Not all guys have upper arm mass, in fact I´ve been looking around, and it´s not as bad as I pictured.
Still I feel rivalry and a bit of an attitude towards certain (cis) guys. Maybe you could call it an inferiority complex, honestly sometimes I feel like a small little dog, that needs to bark the big dogs out of the way. Obviously, I don´t feel the same degree of jealousy to all guys around; but I do feel like I´m lacking something (still) and I need to compensate for it – maybe this is what it´s like to be a thirteen year old guy.
Big snarky dogs, usually in a position of authority, often invite to a staredown simply by engaging me in eye contact that crosses the border between respectful gaze and blatant staring. The sensible thing to do would be to walk away, but small dog that I am, I can´t stand their glaring challenge, the subconscious jab at my manhood; I feel the need to engage them and preferrably dimish their arrogance by 90%. The opposite happens.
My need to prove myself man enough to defeat them is counteracted by my need to hide my insecurity about it, implying that I valiantly hasten to protect my honour; only to abandon the scene whimpering and without a shred of dignity. It´s awful. Halfway through the staredown my own insecurities – the ones who wanted me to engage in the first place – start whispering to me that they´re on to me, that they´ll figure me out.
The thing with being transgender and pretransition is that it often feels like a complete sham (which I wrote about here). When I break off a staredown to hide how I feel, I reveal it instead. So the issue that remains is – how do I present as really tough guy when I feel like less of a man? And isn´t this a part ofthe issues that cisguys face too, at some point in their lives?