Ace of Spades


A while ago I was reading some entries that I made in my journal back in February, 2015. Sometimes I read back to discover patterns in my own state of mind, and see whether I made any progress. When I do that, I frequently surprise myself by remembering things that I had long since put in some dusty file cabinet and forgotten. For example, there was an entry around that time where I was already wondering whether I was transgender.

Back then, I figured chances where small I was transgender. Even though I love the idea of myself as a liberal minded spirit, I´m very analytical and a strategic thinker – which isn´t without pitfalls. So when I thought about being transgender, I just figured; there is such and so percentage of transgender people in society, so the chances of me not being transgender far outweigh the chances of me being transgender.

This line of reasoning often overrides my emotions, which explains the fact that throughout my life I´ve had difficulties discovering who I really am, what my passions really are, and what I stand for. Emotions are often overwhelming; they seem irrational to me and therefore debatable and untrustworthy (even though my gut instinct has proven, over and over again, to be far more reliable than my rational calculations..!)

Far as I knew, I was genderqueer, which explained why I felt so ambiguous; and I saw myself as demisexual, because I did not seem to enjoy intimacy the way others did. When guys brought me flowers or showered me with compliments, I just thought it was ridiculous. When sleeping with someone, I felt apologetic about the composition of my body, as if to say: if only it had a different configuration, I would feel comfortable.

It took me a very long time to understand how little my asexuality had to do with things that happened in the past, or even with asexuality itself. I saw myself as demisexual because I enjoyed being with the people I loved in that way, but that was the most important part of it – not the physical aspect. After a while I got in touch with people who had a more liberal sexuality – switching gender roles during sex and so forth.

Only then I did I have a change of heart. Just like I understood that maybe I didn´t feel female because I wasn´t female, it started to dawn on me that maybe I just didn´t enjoy intimacy because I was approaching it from an alien point of view. I still have a lot to learn in that regard – I have to relearn all the way what intimacy is. I am curious about what the future holds in store once I feel more comfortable in my body.


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