I went to see the gender psychologist, today. It was the first appointment, and since I am still considering an alternative to the rigid mindset that seems to prevail in our gender clinics, it might be one of few. He gave me a speech about everything I could expect from the treatment – it was so politically correct and standardized that I almost fell asleep trying to listen to it.Once done with the monologue he asked me some general questions.
He informed about my reasons to be transitioning later in life, rather than at sixteen or eighteen like a lot of trans men. I explained that prior to being twenty-five I had been much too occupied with the echo of my shitty past, which I thought responsible for every quirk I had. When he asked me if I had always looked the way I do now, I showed him an old public transportation card. “You look quite boyish already” – he remarked, “I wouldn´t have recognized you“.
I paid it no mind at first because we were busy having a conversation, but that one comment hit me below the belt. Despite the fact that I wrote him a letter about roaring dysphoria and respect (to be fair, he hadn´t read it yet), it managed to uproot me and make me feel like less of a guy. I wondered how he would feel if I told him he looked quite boyish. I mean I bet it would fill any self-proclaimed man with a sense of pride and dignity. Right?
Needless to say I chewed on his words for quite a while after they´d been uttered. He probably meant nothing by it. It was just a remark. Nevertheless I´m pretty sure he´d never have said such a thing if I had been born biologically male. The comment itself showed that he figured I was a woman first, a boy at best and a man only third – the exact mindset that I worried the “professionals” would take on the moment I started talks with them.
I guess I could bitch about this for a week. Or I could just “be a man” and shrug it off. With all their self proclaimed correctness and his little speech, it just bugs me that they don´t understand to treat transgender men like you would any other guy. Let´s see him say that again when I look more masculine than him.