It´s relatively easy for me to figure out what my breaking point is. Usually, if things drag on for way too long, everything else starts crashing down too. I start getting aggravated by things that don´t usually bother me, I get chronically irritated and anxious, to the point of losing sleep and being unable to complete regular tasks. It´s a bit like a chain effect; when one domino falls, all the others start crashing too.
I´ve been there all too often. I know the darkness like the inside of my pockets. The problem is there´s nothing to do here. This place is an eternal loading screen, one of those that make you unsure whether your entire system crashed or is just taking a long time to process the task. My life feels like that most of the time, and I´ve got to say I´m pretty much done with it; how sweet would it be if I could just perform a clean install of the whole thing?
These past few years, what I´ve learned is that when I´m stuck in a place like this, it´s usually because something went wrong, I took a bad turn somewhere along the way. The bad turn, in this case, being entrusting big organizations with my transition, and just waiting around for them – feeling powerless. How much lack of autonomy can a human being take? As it turns out, in my case, not that much.
Now there might be people who´ll think “it´s not that bad“, and “how come you act like it´s the end of the world“. Let´s just say this isn´t new for me. I´ve done this before – I´ve been on hold while other people were deciding my fate for me. And now I´m done with it. I don´t enjoy a single moment of being on pause, of wishing I could be as comfortable physically as the people I envy.
Every single day where I could be heading towards being comfortable, but instead choose to be stuck, is a total and complete waste of time. Maybe it´s time to throw all the caution in the wind and do whatever I damn well please, do whatever makes me happy, what makes me free. I´m tired of people who are just afraid and hold up warning signs saying I should take the official road.*
*Transition according to the national gender teams.