So Long, VUMC

nosnip

It has been eight months since I got referred to your people by my GP. At that time, naive and inexperienced as I was, I thought that this was “it”. The preferred method of choice to transition. I would wait four months, then I´d have a bunch of talks, and then they´d put me on T. Simple enough. Little did I know that after four months I´d be experiencing severe depression and that I would rage-quit after my first appointment.

Over the course of the last three posts I wrote (A Friendly Slight, Transition ≠ Sacrifice, and Please Stand-By), I realized that all my dependency on the VUMC´s gender-team had been doing from the start is making me feel like I wasn´t worth any trouble. No effort was made to call me by my preferred gender or name, no effort to enlighten me about the causes of the prolonged waiting time, no effort to be polite to me on the phone, and finally no effort by the psychiatrist to treat me as a man.

Eight – freaking – months. I´ll never get those back. It seems as though the universe is teaching me a lesson. It´s shaking me up, has me pinned against a wall. Screaming in my face. “Did you really think that you could stick with people that made you unhappy?” “Were you really about to drag yourself through the dust for the sake of a distant future?” “Are you bat-shit crazy?“. No sir. No sir. Yes sir. I´m sorry, I won´t do it again, sir.

So now what? Another eight months? I hope not. I hope the sacrifice on my part (giving up being unhappy) will open up some opportunities, and lead me to some friendly faces who are motivated to extend their help, not because I´m their patient but because I´m human, and they can relate to me that way. Somehow I´ll have to manage between my talks with the specialist overseas, who has been kind enough to take on my case, and the new team to the North.

Sometimes, when you think “I´m doing this for my own good“, it might not turn out to be good for you at all, and it´s hard to tell the difference. The people at the VUMC are doing their job and there are many employees there, surely ranging from very friendly to rather bitter (like the secretaries I´ve dealt with), and I´m sure some people had an okay experience there. Just keep an eye open. Things that make you feel like shit are hardly worth it.

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7 thoughts on “So Long, VUMC

  1. Yep. “Just” start living your life and finding out how you want to be you. By the time you get accepted for the f*ing genderteam in Amsterdam you may have found other ways to get what you need. It is absolutely a bad situation on which a lot can be said, but the bottom line is: They are not there for us, we are there for their precious research, money or whatever. So sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That´s the feeling they´ve been giving me all along, but I had trouble trusting that gut instinct at first – I thought, after all, that healthcare organizations were about providing care 😉 Let´s see how my luck turns out in Assen.

      Like

  2. “I realized that all my dependency on the VUMC´s gender-team had been doing from the start is making me feel like I wasn´t worth any trouble. No effort was made to call me by my preferred gender or name, no effort to enlighten me about the causes of the prolonged waiting time, no effort to be polite to me on the phone, and finally no effort by the psychiatrist to treat me as a man.”

    Wow. That’s messed up. They should know better than that. I’m sorry these people did not respect you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Is there an independent LGBT clinic in Amsterdam? In New York (a big hi from New Amsterdam) we don’t have national healthcare but we do have two low cost/sliding scale LGBT clinics that do informed consent for T with absolutely no run-around and the only wait is for your lab work to come back.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We have three recognized gender clinics, but no independent clinics that I know of… which is one of the problems facing trans* care in this country. Everything depends on what the top dogs say – their will is pretty much law.

      I´m currently talking with an independent clinic but it´s located in the UK.

      Liked by 1 person

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