It has been eight months since I got referred to your people by my GP. At that time, naive and inexperienced as I was, I thought that this was “it”. The preferred method of choice to transition. I would wait four months, then I´d have a bunch of talks, and then they´d put me on T. Simple enough. Little did I know that after four months I´d be experiencing severe depression and that I would rage-quit after my first appointment.
Over the course of the last three posts I wrote (A Friendly Slight, Transition ≠ Sacrifice, and Please Stand-By), I realized that all my dependency on the VUMC´s gender-team had been doing from the start is making me feel like I wasn´t worth any trouble. No effort was made to call me by my preferred gender or name, no effort to enlighten me about the causes of the prolonged waiting time, no effort to be polite to me on the phone, and finally no effort by the psychiatrist to treat me as a man.
Eight – freaking – months. I´ll never get those back. It seems as though the universe is teaching me a lesson. It´s shaking me up, has me pinned against a wall. Screaming in my face. “Did you really think that you could stick with people that made you unhappy?” “Were you really about to drag yourself through the dust for the sake of a distant future?” “Are you bat-shit crazy?“. No sir. No sir. Yes sir. I´m sorry, I won´t do it again, sir.
So now what? Another eight months? I hope not. I hope the sacrifice on my part (giving up being unhappy) will open up some opportunities, and lead me to some friendly faces who are motivated to extend their help, not because I´m their patient but because I´m human, and they can relate to me that way. Somehow I´ll have to manage between my talks with the specialist overseas, who has been kind enough to take on my case, and the new team to the North.
Sometimes, when you think “I´m doing this for my own good“, it might not turn out to be good for you at all, and it´s hard to tell the difference. The people at the VUMC are doing their job and there are many employees there, surely ranging from very friendly to rather bitter (like the secretaries I´ve dealt with), and I´m sure some people had an okay experience there. Just keep an eye open. Things that make you feel like shit are hardly worth it.