My Inner Monster


I´m in tears because I feel broken and I´m in tears because I need to protect myself. Because this year has been nothing but pain. I need shelter, I need rest – I´ve been so incredibly tired. I´ve lost so much weight. I want to envelop myself in a layer of puffy clouds, I want to close my eyes and breathe and think about nothing for a long, long time.

I´m in tears because things that seem small to “average people” throw me out of the playing field. Because even a gust of wind can knock me down, and have me slip into the downward spiral of my own negative emotions, incapacitating and overwhelming as they are. I think few people truly understand what these emotions are capable of.

It´s easy to stand on the shore and yell at me when I´m drowning. It´s easy to compare yourself to me, and then tell me that I should react like you, because that´s what normal people do. But I don´t want to brutalize myself, the way you do. I don´t want to punish myself when I´m in pain, and tell my own emotions that they have no right to exist.

All of me has a reason to exist. I won´t say, that I´m unafraid, that I´m not scared of the shadows, of the fractures that run through my body and my soul. Because believe me, I´m terrified of myself, I am terrified of the raw power, that engulfs me every time the monster is called to life. But I won´t aggravate him further. I won´t add insult to injury.

I will respect the shadows. I will embrace my darker Self. I will listen to their wailing, to their pain, if I can muster the courage to do so, and resist the urge to run away, the urge to fight. If I can muster the courage to stop in my tracks, to turn around, and look it in the eye. To embrace it, to console it, and sleep in its lap for a thousand years.


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