Decision Time

hangingon

At some point last year, I ran into a astrological forecast of what 2016 would be like for me. It said that I would have a really shitty year, that the planets essentially would be aligned up so as to confront me with “my deepest fears” and denial of myself. It said that I would be forced to make decisions, to change and grow out of old patterns.

The predictions I´ve read since are total crap (you are going to be financially stable, find the love of your life when you least expect it, uhu, uhu). But that one kind of struck me. I´m halfway 2016, and this has been, maybe, the most confrontational year of my life. There is no way I can survive anything new while I´m holding onto old patterns now.

This year, also, is turmoil come alive. While before there was turmoil – specially since my 2013 breakdown – now, the turmoil is becoming physical. Whenever I get angry, or emotional at something that happened in the past, the CRPS flares up, as if to say: “are you still on that?” “Would you mind?” Last post, I wrote about the CRPS forcing a difficult decision on me.

I can still transition, but not entirely without risks – the risk of aggravating or possibly reanimating CRPS. I had two choices: wait with the entire transition (so without hormones) until I am pretty sure that the CRPS is dealt with. Or start my transition anyway, but possibly face the fact that I might not be able to have surgery – an aspect that is very important for me.

After I spoke with someone yesterday, who also has CRPS and is trans, I understood that putting my life on hold would be to stretch out the attitude I have been living with all these years. To wait with everything until everything is perfect. To hang on until all my problems have gone away. I would risk becoming stagnant in emotions that triggered my CRPS in the first place.

So I am not going to wait. When you don´t see the light at the end of the tunnel, you don´t sit around, you keep moving until you see it. Besides, this plane has taken off long ago, and I´m still holding on, like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible. Whether I get dragged along, or climb on board, there is no stopping the future now.

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