I have been doing better lately in the sense of being more rational – I´ve had less emotional swings and more stability – but I´m still sitting here, just freaking out about my life, panicking. I´ve been trying really hard to keep it together and just appear level headed for the sake of the people who read my blog, my friends, and those who are also going through difficult situations.
It has been such an excruciating year. I´m having an enormous amount of trouble coping with my injuries, with not being able to even go to the supermarket by myself. This has been one of the most challenging years of my life – sitting between four walls, trying to tolerate my dysphoria somehow, not being of use to anybody in particular – counting the hours as if I were sitting out a sentence in prison.
I made this choice, I guess, when I decided to continue along the “regular” path. Therapist, psychological evaluations, second opinions, the works. But I thought it´d be different, that I would have distractions. Instead I find myself wishing that my friends didn´t have daytime jobs, that I´d have someone to hang with on a daily basis, instead of watching the entire fourth season of OITNB and still be bored.
I´m not sure I can sit this one out, I really don´t. When I feel this hopeless, I remind myself that I can still have my blood-works done and transition with the GP in the UK, rather than here. Go through the entire process of figuring out whether my insurance would pay for it or whether I´d have to cover everything myself. What I don´t understand is why I haven´t already done that.
Maybe on some level it´s easier because this way, I´m not responsible. This way, other people are responsible for me – that´s why I´m in this mess in the first place. Right now I feel so little initiative to step up to the plate, start negotiating with my insurance, convince them that I need to transition elsewhere because the process here is hurting me more than helping.
I have had four months to do so and instead I figured, if my brothers could survive regular transition, then so could I. But I haven´t even started – I have yet to have more than two appointments, and I can barely manage without feeling suffocated. Why do I always have to try and be such a “bad ass”, I wonder. Why do I always feel like I need to stretch myself until I snap.