The last few weeks have been marked by my stalemate with the gender team in Assen. They´re very good, I´ll give them that. The treatment is so much better than in Amsterdam – they actually try to adapt to individual stories, rather than treating all patients with the same monolithic approach. My gender therapists´ efforts to understand where I´m coming from are living proof.
Despite calling a bunch of people and mulling it over with them, I didn´t feel prepared to go to the appointment last Tuesday. I pretty much crumbled under the pressure on Wednesday, so that turned out to be a wise call. Instead, I got my regular therapist, who sees me for anxiety, to call the gender therapist and debate whether it was okay for me to go on hormones despite existing issues.
Her argument was (and I agree with her) that my existing issues are pretty much exacerbated by gender dysphoria and hormone dips (messed up hormone levels). After having discussed it, the gender therapist told me that it would be okay for me to “experiment” in the sense of going on testosterone and figuring my shit out while I´m on it, instead of before.
That´s a big step for a gender therapist to take and a good one. And yet, I feel lousy. Even if I go ahead with treatment, I will still see myself forced to talk about “problems” for three months, still need to sit on a chair or a couch and be psychoanalyzed and deconstructed. And it makes me feel real shitty, putting it mildly. I haven´t even had three sessions and I feel worthless already.
Why? Because focusing on “what´s wrong with me” rather than where I could be headed, propels me into further depression and negative self image. I already know what´s wrong with me. And I also know what I need to feel better. I need people who focus on the positive side of me, who believe that I can eventually let go of my past, even when I don´t believe it.
Talking about me in terms of diagnoses will not help, and honestly, I´m angry at therapists who think that it does. If they truly think I am going to be safer by exploring and drowning in my shortcomings for the next three months, they are just as bonkers as me. No thank you. I don´t know what´s next, but one thing I know, and that´s that my humanity matters more than my being transgender.
Fuck it, let´s go bowling.