I´m sure all people who transition experience a point during the whole process where they feel like flipping over a bunch of tables and just leave. “I´m done, please. I´ll take one testosterone and be on my way“. For me, since I came out in October 2015, my entire life has been about transition. Most of my plans involve transition. About eighty-five percent of my thoughts are related to transition.
Transitioning is a very interesting process, to the outside world. But if you chew on it for about ten months or longer, it acquires all the appeal of a raggedy tennis ball, left to decompose in the woods after an overdose of canine affection. Make a Big Deal about something for long enough, and it will wear you out. Much like people who have been attempting to get their drivers license to no avail.
Last week I made the decision to go through with DIY hormone use. I even spoke with the gender therapist about it, and he said they´d tolerate it and that we´d just go on with the process of talking and so forth until I got my official diagnosis. Which is awesome. With that out of the way, I suddenly reconnected with the plans I used to have: get a license to fly things through empty space and invest in outdoor skills.
It is shocking that transitioning – more specifically, waiting and then having talks with a therapist until further notice – had put my entire life on hold, including aspirations and passions that are absolutely central to my personality. I was able to reconnect with these things because hormones are tangible, undeniable evidence of change. Hormones give you the ability to start doing instead of dreaming.
Hormones give you the ability to start changing physically, and as life becomes a less awkward and incongruent experience, the whole process starts to normalize. Transition becomes less of a Big Deal and more of what it should be: just another thing on the way. I really hope that for me, actually transitioning will give me some respite in the department of Thoughts and Feelings. I really need to just be myself, not Rowan in Transition.