This is really part two of my previous post, Five Days on T. It´s also a very specific subject that I have not seen a lot of people write about. Hence the time I take to write about it now. Also, due to the temporary takeover of estrogen, the surge of energy that testosterone gave me has again made way for lethargy, and an opportunity to remain seated in front of my keyboard all day long (that and my healing fracture).
Back when I was based on estrogen, I never checked my shark weeks. Like several trans men, I choose to pretend it simply did not exist. For this reason I mildly panicked this week because for a moment I thought that my do-it-yourself approach to hormone use had led to some kind of imminent disaster in the downstairs area. “They were right all along! How could I have been so stubborn? I´m dying!”
When I checked some facts it dawned on me that it was “just shark week” and there was no reason to worry. I´m not on any other medication that could stop shark week, simply because I´d rather let it fade out on its own, for now (hopefully soon). It also explained why I had been feeling so extremely weird. There had been no PMS – which usual is a glaring warning sign – no prior rage or anxiety.
But I did all of a sudden start questioning things that I don´t normally question. As usual, the Big Sentiment hacked into my system, and I began wondering if maybe I was making some kind of awful mistake, what if I could never really feel deep emotions again, that sort of stuff. Also, as is standard for shark week in my case, I began thinking about all the crap people ever pulled on me. Fun.
As I said, I became much less energized, and I also noticed I am again prone to anger and short outbursts – which is a complete pain in the ass after the confidence and the calmness I felt prior to this coup d´état. As is the case in normal shark week too, it helps to be active and to have distractions and get some air. Yesterday I regained a level of energy simply by being social.
To sum up, there was no PMS, but the usual dose of angst and self-doubt did return, along with the sporadic and apparently random feeling of anger. My dysphoria increased threefold in comparison with the previous days – a factor to consider. It helps to know that this is temporary and that soon, I will hopefully very rarely ever have to deal with this again.