Preposterous Bollocks

bollocks

I don´t know how to better describe my current scenario than “The Preposterous Bollocks of the Situation” (a phrase coined by Jamie Hewlett of the comic Tank Girl). Here is why: I received a response to my letter, the one I had sent to the gender team in Assen. In the letter, I explained how the psychological analysis was making me unstable (the sessions were having dangerous repercussions on my mental health).

In a four pages long effort to be heard and have them adapt the treatment to my situation, I explained exactly how and why this had occurred, but also said that I was alarmed by the fact that they had never inquired about my deterioration when it occurred. They seemed to assume that it is just a “part of the treatment” and that I would just have to deal with reoccurring suicidality. Yeah, why not.

My current therapist, who sees me for the turmoil caused by other things than gender, mediated between me and the gender therapist. She said that I was right to draw boundaries, and follow my own instinct to not expose every detail of my inner workings and private life. She and the gender therapist seemed to have reached some sort of agreement, in which I could start testosterone earlier.

Even if I could have started earlier, the problem of the psychological analysis remained, hence my four pages long elucidation. If anything has become clear to me (and glaringly obvious on my blog), is that I do not wish to be psychoanalyzed when most of the emotional turmoil I was experiencing was related to hormonal mood-swings and instability. This week of being on T has only attested to this fact.

Rather than help me become stable (such as they keep on repeating every time I speak to them), dragging up old problems and charting my personality as based on hormonal turmoil, is unhelpful at best. And yet, in the response they wrote me yesterday, they stated (again) that “I needed to be stable in order to start“, and “starting earlier was absolutely out of the question” – obliterating any flexibility previously shown.

Yes, thank you. So in order to become stable, you want me to be unstable. Somehow I think I´m not the one who is in need of psychological analysis at this point. The sad fact is that I will have to continue to pay for my own hormones, as long as De Vaart decides to keep their rigid and inflexible stance, despite the fact that my insurance pays them good coin to provide the kind of care that I actually need.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s