Finding Balance

balance

Last week, I went from one end of the seesaw to another – and briefly crashed in between due to Shark Week. Testosterone gave me an enormous boost, but at the same time threw me out of my comfort zone, and shook me up like a milkshake in a blender. I´ve become much more active, and found a way out of my couch potato life style (that´s what depression and complex regional pain will do for you).

Nevertheless the sudden cascade of raw energy has also had some drawbacks. Like my brain seems to have become way more energetic as well. It won´t stop thinking, I kid you not. If this would turn me into a wise philosopher, like Plato, all the more power to me. But it is nothing like that – they are more like constant, unimportant thoughts about unimportant things, of a fleeting nature. Like a fly buzzing around your head.

Brain over-activity is not a good thing as far as I am concerned. I need it to calm down, find a balance between the extreme lethargy I felt on estrogen and the extreme of invigorating power on testosterone. Rather than going for really far bike rides (my foot isn´t too happy about that), I figured maybe I could take this new buzz and turn it inwards, make it my own instead of trying to get rid of it, and use it to become centered.

Doing yoga has been difficult due to my chronic pain flares and the still healing fracture (I am having difficulty distinguishing between the two kinds of pain, and can´t be sure if it is safe to put weight on my foot). Sitting in meditation supposes a similar difficulty (I´m only comfortable sitting in half lotus – anything else throws me out of my concentration). This morning I did try and not think, just observe things.

Instead of yoga I have been doing the seven Tibetan Rites with Heath Meyers (YouTube link here). When I do meditations, I usually sing mantras guided by the Catalyst Yogi (his website here). However I find they haven´t been working a lot yet, maybe because I don´t take the time to really get grounded and focus on them. Before (when I was on estrogen), they frequently got my energy moving and made me feel a lot better.

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