It´s been a while since the dramatic thing with the gender clinic. For those who haven´t been following the whole story, the short version is that the gender clinic requires four to six months of psychological evaluation in order to prescribe hormones or give you the okay for future surgeries. They want this as an insurance to the doctors, but also to safeguard against suicidality.
In my case, the very psychological evaluation was the instigator of suicidality. Partly because it drags up unnecessary details from the past, partly because I felt I had to wave goodbye my right to privacy. I had to get figuratively get nude, undress, show every last shape and detail of myself to a team of strangers so they could make sure I would be okay. To me this felt like humiliation.
What further exacerbated my suicidality was that I felt diminished by their rhetoric and remarks, even though these were friendly at all times. Remarks such as “you´re overreacting“, “it´s not that black and white“, and “this is not a candy store“. They invalidated my reaction to the treatment, and argued that my dislike for the treatment was mostly rooted in irrationality stemming from the past.
Rhetoric like this made it seem as though their approach is flawless and there is no necessity to change anything about it, even though in a minority of patients, it may cause suicidal behavior. The suicidal behavior is entirely on the patient, is the message that they seem to be carrying out. “Don´t look at us, we didn´t do anything“. Trying to go against this, with the help of my regular therapist, did not help.
So what now? I´m very tired of battling them. I do not want to be in a position where I am constantly made out to be a nag who just demands too much. This type of gas-lighting has happened to me in the past and has left deep scars in my personality, the very ones that they are trying to examine and exacerbate. There are very few ways to go around them, like write to my insurance company.
When I´ve done that I guess I could write to a transgender patient organization. I´m the one who is paying for this lack of care. It´s literally costing me a pretty buck each month and I get absolutely nothing in return as this point.* I also get to pay for my testosterone myself, just because I refuse to adjust to a model of treatment that puts me in a dangerous position. To be continued.
*We have a nationalized healthcare system, where you choose your own provider. Paying a yearly fee is mandatory.