This week was incredibly F-U-N. I´m on testosterone for a month now, and there aren´t a lot of new changes that I have noticed. After I upped my dose to 50mg, I crashed for a week (adjustment of the immune system) and then started to feel fairly normal. Normal enough to overestimate myself and be incredibly social at the aeroclub, triggering some anxiety.
In normal circumstances perhaps this would have been okay, but a factor to keep in mind is that I´ve been isolating for around ten months – from the time my depression kicked in last year to the time I finally recovered enough physically to be able to walk again. In that time I did not have a lot of practice socially, and dealing with the CRPS was pretty intense on its own.
Furthermore being on T causes me to be way more extroverted and energetic in social situations than I normally would. This means that I have an easier time listening to people and really engaging in conversation, but also that it´s easier to cross my own boundaries and then have a breakdown because I spent too much energy and have absolutely none left to manage myself.
It´s a learning curve which I guess I will adjust to eventually. To be honest, it´s better than having no energy at all and spending all the social time hidden in my shell. The drawback was that immediately after this incident I started feeling angry again, every day, for no reason, and my OCD and dysphoria skyrocketed. That usually means one thing: Shark Week.
Yep, Shark Week again. No escape. Last time, the initial euphoria of starting hormones and my body adjusting to its new operating system might have prevented the usual PMS package (wrath, insecurities and angst). Sadly this time I spent five days waking up just feeling disillusioned and pissed off at the entire world, and to add to it, the need to control things became overwhelming.
I read that it can take up to six months for the Red Menace to pack its bags and get out of town. Honestly the temperament changes previous to it bother me more than the whole disconcerting happening by itself. I would love to just spend the week reacting moderately normal to the world around and not freak out every time something falls over or blinks at me.