This is a bit of a detour from my last post, Up up and Down. Since coming to my blog and write has proven a challenge over the last weeks, I figured I might as well publish several posts at the time. Over the last year several things have been happening to me and I have been figuring out others, from being transgender to suffering from compulsive behavior and depression.
A big part of my depression consists of withdrawal. Following the winter (in which depression tends to worsen) as well as my bone fracture in February, another one in June, and consequent CRPS/RSD, I have been out to socialize… almost never. Friends have come over when I wasn´t able to walk, they helped me get to the supermarket and they provided some company, which was great.
The whole year however I´ve been suffering from guilt. Guilt over feeling like a stormcrow. Whenever I´m with a crowd of people that are being happy or having fun, it scares me that my sombre grey clouds might start to hover over them as well, and spoil their happy mood. It also scares me that they might be afraid of my toxicity. I am not exactly Mister Positive right now.
I have made new friends over the past years and I have a lot of “old” friends, but in either case I am struggling to be my true self when I´m around them. I don´t have one friend that has ever seen me cry, and very few that have ever seen me anxious (with the exception of a handful who have been around me a couple of days in a row). They read my blog, but there´s still a distance.
In a couple of instances where I have talked about my troubles with them, I wasn´t able to connect with how I really felt. The shame and guilt I feel over my lack of control – the fact that my emotions rule me sometimes and not the other way around – prevents me from connecting to them in the slightest around other people. That and fear of rejection. What would they think?
It´s hard to fathom that other people would accept me, including my outbursts, when I have trouble accepting those myself. Other people have told me that I am hard on people who direct their outbursts towards others, that I am not forgiving. This is true. I think I would rather be alone than have other people become the target of my frustrations.