When I started T the first week I send a quite exhilarated mail to my family, describing the wonderful new changes I was experiencing, as if saying; “see, I told you it would get better!“. Which is still true to an extent. Before, emotions and circumstances would be so overwhelming that I frequently thought about how it´d be if I didn´t go on living much longer.
I haven´t felt like that since I started T. But the emotions and circumstances are far from over. Testogel seems to have a conglomerate of side-effects on me which range from rage (agressive outbursts) to physical inconvenienecs like constant tummy trouble and relentless itching and outbreaks of hives on my skin. I can´t tolerate warm weather very well, either.
Agression on my part has never meant that I yell at or even touch other people in a less-than-friendly way. It mostly means that I am relentlessly hard on myself and insanely dismissive of the parts on my body that give me dysphoria. I don´t know how to deal with them, and since I don´t have a gender therapist now, I am left to just endure it.
I thought that the genderteam from De Vaart would suggest an endocrinologist, as they said they would, but a month has passed and nothing happened. It´s one of those small things that feels very big. When I called yesterday, I was informed that the people in question had simply gone vacationing and did not make the effort beforehand.
I know, it might be no big deal, but for me it is. I am not on the priority list, is what that indicates for me. My wellbeing can wait a month or two. It exacerbates feelings of worthlessness and encourages my lingering depression to stay some more. Whereas I felt overly confident the week I started T, now my confidence is so low I feel beat by everything.
It´s kind of hard not to get discouraged, to get things done in this state of mind. There´s a whole list of practical things I need to get done, like getting my name changed and moving into a new place before all of my money runs out, but I can´t bring myself to do any of it, despite my efforts to eat healthy, work out and get enough sleep on the right times.