Up, up and Down

Jack_Pearl_Locker

When I started T the first week I send a quite exhilarated mail to my family, describing the wonderful new changes I was experiencing, as if saying; “see, I told you it would get better!“. Which is still true to an extent. Before, emotions and circumstances would be so overwhelming that I frequently thought about how it´d be if I didn´t go on living much longer.

I haven´t felt like that since I started T. But the emotions and circumstances are far from over. Testogel seems to have a conglomerate of side-effects on me which range from rage (agressive outbursts) to physical inconvenienecs like constant tummy trouble and relentless itching and outbreaks of hives on my skin. I can´t tolerate warm weather very well, either.

Agression on my part has never meant that I yell at or even touch other people in a less-than-friendly way. It mostly means that I am relentlessly hard on myself and insanely dismissive of the parts on my body that give me dysphoria. I don´t know how to deal with them, and since I don´t have a gender therapist now, I am left to just endure it.

I thought that the genderteam from De Vaart would suggest an endocrinologist, as they said they would, but a month has passed and nothing happened. It´s one of those small things that feels very big. When I called yesterday, I was informed that the people in question had simply gone vacationing and did not make the effort beforehand.

I know, it might be no big deal, but for me it is. I am not on the priority list, is what that indicates for me. My wellbeing can wait a month or two. It exacerbates feelings of worthlessness and encourages my lingering depression to stay some more. Whereas I felt overly confident the week I started T, now my confidence is so low I feel beat by everything.

It´s kind of hard not to get discouraged, to get things done in this state of mind. There´s a whole list of practical things I need to get done, like getting my name changed and moving into a new place before all of my money runs out, but I can´t bring myself to do any of it, despite my efforts to eat healthy, work out and get enough sleep on the right times.

Advertisements

One thought on “Up, up and Down

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s