Bad Marriage

marriage

Usually it doesn´t take just one disagreement for a couple to break up. Disputes increase over time, starting from the small and insignificant ones and slowly reaching an infuriating level. My relationship with dysphoria has been similar. As a child, having female traits was just one of these uncomfortable things in life that you had to deal with. Much like screaming parents.

As a teen I made fun of grown women. I would parade around with a brazier on top of my sweater and fill it with crumpled paper – and was in persistent denial of anybody who told me that I would probably develop broad hips. When I jokingly told my dad he had man boobs (I was annoying like that), he looked at me and remarked: “yours are coming in pretty nicely, right?” I felt seriously confused.

Fifteen through seventeen, I was Eminem, then Charles, then Charlie. Baggy clothes and a short haircut were my best friends. When I came back to school that year, the teachers did not even recognize me and asked who the new boy was. Although the short hair and attitude did get me more respect, I did not have an easier time getting any attention from guys. And so I ended up answering the call to be more feminine.

Nineteen to twenty-seven, things were just weird and awkward. Remember how as a teen you feel inadequate in everything you do, because you have no idea how to handle yourself? This stage lasted very, very long. I was weird with guys and weird in bed. I was okay with my head, but everything that happened from the neck down just felt messed up. That and I felt guilty because I never really enjoyed the act.

Then, the discovery. Holy shit! Is this actually true? Am I really transgender? I had to really get used to it for a while. It took me a year to start talking to the people in my direct environment, starting with those who had triggered my discovery. I felt dedicated to waiting an eternity in order to transition, at first. As we know I ended up going in a different direction and started hormones in July 2016.

More than ever, it feels as though the marriage between me and my body has been dragging on unnecessarily. I´ve stepped out of the idea that feeling awkward was “just a phase” and that I would get used to it eventually. We´ve bitched and fought and talked it through and we even went to counseling. Now, I´m ready to go my own way, sign those divorce papers. Sooner rather than later.

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