I´ve published a lot of posts on this blog – in fact, I am closing in on one hundred posts in less than a year. That is unusually productive for me, and stands in stark contrast to my last blog, where I published a bit under fifty posts in three years. Despite the deluge of paragraphs, there is one topic that remains conspicuously absent – sexuality or lack thereof.
The reason for this is that sexuality is something that is not clearly defined for me. There was a time where I thought that I was straight, sexual, and monogamous. Things were so easy back then. When my gender bending storm of self-realization had dawned on me and swept me off my feet, all those categorizations disappeared. I was not straight and not completely sexual or monogamous.
Then, I started testosterone, and things became even more vague. Women were starting to look pretty attractive from time to time. From time to time it became impossible not to notice their curves, and I catch myself stealthily stealing a glimpse or even being noticed by women. It´s new for me and quite entertaining. I still wouldn´t sleep with them, though.
But the thing is – at this moment, I wouldn´t sleep with anyone. I´ve identified as demisexual for quite a long time before I even started to question gender, and just didn´t think sex was all that big of a deal. Whether or not that is connected to my gender dysphoria, and the fact that my body just turns me off, remains to be seen. As of now I feel pretty asexy.
Asexuality is pretty lonely, though. I never talk about this – simply because I don´t think anybody around me could really relate to me, if I said: “hey, the last time I had sex was years ago!“. They would probably look at me weird and start wondering how I managed to do that. And then I would look back and wonder how they manage to have so much sex with different people.
Getting involved in a romantic relationship at this point seems pretty much impossible – as I can´t imagine anybody would be interested. I´ve been told over and over that I am a great catch, which I guess could be true, but I would rather be a great catch without the pressure to be intimate – I would rather enjoy someone´s company romantically than feel completely out of place.