Being Asexual

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I´ve published a lot of posts on this blog – in fact, I am closing in on one hundred posts in less than a year. That is unusually productive for me, and stands in stark contrast to my last blog, where I published a bit under fifty posts in three years. Despite the deluge of paragraphs, there is one topic that remains conspicuously absent – sexuality or lack thereof.

The reason for this is that sexuality is something that is not clearly defined for me. There was a time where I thought that I was straight, sexual, and monogamous. Things were so easy back then. When my gender bending storm of self-realization had dawned on me and swept me off my feet, all those categorizations disappeared. I was not straight and not completely sexual or monogamous.

Then, I started testosterone, and things became even more vague. Women were starting to look pretty attractive from time to time. From time to time it became impossible not to notice their curves, and I catch myself stealthily stealing a glimpse or even being noticed by women. It´s new for me and quite entertaining. I still wouldn´t sleep with them, though.

But the thing is – at this moment, I wouldn´t sleep with anyone. I´ve identified as demisexual for quite a long time before I even started to question gender, and just didn´t think sex was all that big of a deal. Whether or not that is connected to my gender dysphoria, and the fact that my body just turns me off, remains to be seen. As of now I feel pretty asexy.

Asexuality is pretty lonely, though. I never talk about this – simply because I don´t think anybody around me could really relate to me, if I said: “hey, the last time I had sex was years ago!“. They would probably look at me weird and start wondering how I managed to do that. And then I would look back and wonder how they manage to have so much sex with different people.

Getting involved in a romantic relationship at this point seems pretty much impossible – as I can´t imagine anybody would be interested. I´ve been told over and over that I am a great catch, which I guess could be true, but I would rather be a great catch without the pressure to be intimate – I would rather enjoy someone´s company romantically than feel completely out of place.

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6 thoughts on “Being Asexual

  1. It’s frustrating when people don’t understand why some people don’t want to engage in sexual activity all the time. It’s odd how the “peer pressure” cliche becomes more and more accurate as far as relationships are concerned. People expect marriage, long term relationships, or at least a string of one night escapades. When a person is not interested/looking for sex people just seem to get uncomfortable. It sucks that you feel alone though….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I´ve had some “flings” over the past years, and tried to adapt to them (thinking that it would be no big deal), but in the end I always realize that I need something else. More like a platonic relationship and lots of hugs 🙂 I think this is weird for people somehow.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I know how you feel or at least I can imagine. My situation was/is somewhat similar, only I’ve started to notice men and I was only recently tentatively identifying as demisexual at the suggestion of my asexual friend. The reason for that was that I tended to start finding people sexually and/or romantically attractive only after I got to know them better. But now with testosterone I actually notice unfamiliar guys on the street, for example. My attraction for women has stayed at the need-to-know-you-first state.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It´s really interesting what hormones can do! I never thought that women would be physically interesting to me. It´s definitely changed my mindset about life – to not assume that you fit in just one category, or that categories never change. To be honest sexuality is such a gray area, and changes over time too. I think gray-ace and demi describe best where I´m at.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. All I can say is, I stopped having sex almost twenty years ago. And I don’t miss it. I simply don’t give a fig.
    That’s not say I don’t notice attractive women (always thought I was a lesbian, turns out I’m straight after all), but even though I might sort of wish to get romantically involved with them, I still wouldn’t want sex.
    So, if you are weird for not having had sex in years, I’m probably even weirder.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. In my universe, you are not weird, but people who have weekly sex (and sometimes with different partners) kind of are. I won´t judge them, after all things can change in life (who knows, maybe when I´m fifty I´ll be a huge slut). Honestly though, I´ve never quite understood it. Other things give me a bigger thrill in life.

      Liked by 1 person

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