Pissing Drama

pis

Yesterday I went to the doctor’s office. I was going to discuss with her why I am having trouble urinating and why I have been suffering from acute urinary retention, a horrible condition where your bladder is full but the muscles below refuse to cooperate, thus driving you insane. The problem had been going on for quite a while, but I let it escalate.

Who wants to discuss matters like this with a GP they aren´t that close with? I was not willing to admit that my inability to urinate was related to extreme bottom dysphoria, and that urinating is such a distressing experience for me that I sometimes turn to self-harm to cope with it. The ensuing nervous tension consequently blocks up my pelvic muscles.

This was not a new thing, in fact the inability to urinate has been a part of my life ever since gender dysphoria showed up, but it was never this bad. On Saturday, I ended up in the ER for this problem, and that´s when I realized I should stop being so stubborn and proud and just seek help. The doc noticed that I had an UTI and gave me some antibiotics.

I took the antibiotics at night and went into a nice sleep, where I had strange dreams involving this exact subject. When I woke up I was feeling good, but apprehensive about what was about to happen – after all, mornings bring a full bladder and I was afraid that the whole commotion was about to repeat itself. I went to the bathroom and nothing happened.

Dysphoric panic took over once again (the kind of panic I get when my genital area is claiming  attention). My clothes were soaked with sweat and the urge to bash my head against a wall was overwhelming. I tried a breathing technique, and when that did not work, finally caved and gave in to oxazepam – I ended taking quite a lot more than I usually need.

The commotion went on from 10:00 to 16:00. When I still couldn´t urinate at 15:00, the doc told me to go take a hot shower, so I did – fully dressed to try to avoid any further dysphoria about other parts of my body. I had been in the shower for an hour when finally my muscles relaxed and let out this insignificant amount of urine. Not enough by a long shot.

At this point, my muscles are relaxing a bit more and I am feeling more calm. I am exhausted nevertheless, and wondering how much of a nightmare the rest of the day and/or week are going to be. I do not want to be catheterized, but if it turns out I won´t be able to urinate for six hours to entire days from now on, there is no other option.

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5 thoughts on “Pissing Drama

  1. I’m so sorry for all that you’re dealing with. Any one piece would be enough for most people. The combination sounds horrible. I do wonder if you have tried an STP? There are many on the market (some very inexpensive). One reason your story is interesting to me is that I recently tried an STP and could NOT get my muscles to cooperate for fear of wetting myself. I finally got to the point where a tiny amount would trickle out (after I’d broken out in a cold sweat). After a day or two I had a UTI. I was too ashamed to tell my doctor how it came about and simply took the medication and went back to sitting to pee. The STP is in my drawer.
    Good luck to you and I wish for you comfort.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you man that means a lot 🙂 Actually since T I have been feeling much better but on the other hand I am also more dysphoric now. So it´s a bit of a win-lose deal until I get surgery…urgh… so far away though.

      I tried STP´s, many ones actually, made my own mister limpy STP and I tried one by Stylish Flesh. They only work so well though and they are just a hassle. I made my own too, but when I am at code Red dysphoric it doesn´t help either. Thank you for suggesting it though 🙂

      At the moment I´m just trying anything that will trigger urination, whether it´s standing or sitting down or other things haha… I just hope this episode goes away after a while.

      Like

  2. That sounds horrible – particularly the lack of control (I’m a control freak so anything having to do with being trans that I can’t control gets me bent out of shape). The one thing I’ve been lucky about is that I’ve always felt safe in my own home (even if I couldn’t convince myself to go out) as long as I wasn’t looking in the mirror. I hope you get through this OK. Jamie.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! You understood the situation very well. I am indeed a major control freak, and gender dysphoria is one of those things were lack of control can lead to a panic situation. Thankfully I feel pretty okay at home too. When things like these aren´t hapenning 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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