Back when I identified as female, I often had a hard time talking about, or admitting to like certain topics. They seemed like men´s business, and part of a world that was either hostile to me, or at the very least unwelcoming. What was I going to do as a lone chick at an old-timer car show? Or even better, at a race between classic planes and cars?
Events and subjects that inspired me, turned me off. What did I know about engines? I could not compete with the men even if I wanted to. I had learned nothing about mechanics – but more importantly, I had not learned to boast like men do, to defend my position and climb up the hierarchy. Any comment from me could easily be dismissed.
I learned to simply lose interest and instead invest in things that would get me recognition. Like being an alternative tomboy. Being a tomboy granted me the opportunity to move around in masculine spaces without losing that all important status as a chick. I was allowed because I was a chick and admired for my audacity. People were lenient.
I would be lying if I said I did not enjoy the admiration I got during those times. But I still felt “left out” somehow. I never asked for the leniency that I got from people around me. I had something to prove, but did not realize this until I came out. I needed to prove that I could speak for myself, but more than that, I need to prove my virility.
Due to societal roles, and differences in the hormonal make-up of genders, this would have been a rather strange thing for a female to want. It has been nearly one year since I came out (manly-versary!) and the freedom I now experience to be myself is overwhelming. I still know nothing about mechanics, yet am accepted into a men´s world.
Without my appearance to hold me back, and testosterone flowing through my veins, I am finally free to be the outdoorsy, (hopefully) muscular, sarcastic, happy-go-lucky, adventurous, stubborn fool that I have always been. I could even be an incredible ass-hat and it would be more accepted than before my transition. This world is amazing.