Confusing Feels


I remember having a crush on R. He´d circulated an email among the members of the aeroclub, asking if somebody had some furniture to spare. Back then, some three years ago, I was on the verge of moving from an ample apartment to a shared flat, and needed to get rid of some excess household appliances, like a small fridge and a washing machine.

He came by the house. We had this immediate, quite deep connection, and neither of us knew where it was coming from. Long story short, a few texts were exchanged, we watched a movie, and I spent the night. I think we both felt the kind of intense, desperate passion that you get when you find someone who feels like a soul mate after a being alone for long.

It didn´t last, though. It was the kind of fling that is very intense yet short-lived. Nevertheless, I miss that feeling. I´m inclined to be a hopeless romantic, to sort of want to surrender my very soul, lose myself in someone else. Maybe it´s typical of rational types like me, to secretly ache for some kind of emotional catharsis. Two extremes combined.

Lately I´ve been wondering whether that feeling means that I am just running from myself. Or whether these feelings are not fit for something serious and stable, relationships in which romance isn´t limited to the egocentric chase of sweet release. In a real relationship, you probably need patience. And understanding for the other person.

This is what I´ve been telling myself over and over again for the past week. Because the feels are intense. And I´m just not sure if they are really related to my friend, or an expression of my need to get a breather from the constant confrontation with myself. This year has been nothing but personal challenges – from depression to transition.

Whatever these feels are, it would behoove me to stay true to myself. But how? Do I chase my feels like a madman? Walk around with my head in the clouds all day long and feel lost at the end of the day? Or try to tolerate them, and continue in my own direction? All  in all, this is starting to feel very complicated all over again. Maybe a little too much.


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