On Polyamory

polyamory

If I flew back in time right now and told my younger self that I would eventually declare myself gender nonconforming, polysexual* and polyamorous, I´d probably be met with an awkward stare or uncontrollable laughter. The idea of sharing your partner with someone else – or even with multiple people – would´ve made me uncomfortable.

I figured polyamory would be complicated, and feelings of jealousy would be the order of the day. Most of all, I wondered how that would work in terms of sharing equally – to make all partners feel equally appreciated in terms of the dedication they received. I worried that I would disappear or feel cheated by the partner(s) in question.

The thing is, this could be an issue in monogamous relationships, too. In fact, it almost always was. Years of having semi – serious relationships with several people, who in retrospect weren´t really worth the time, taught me that in order for me to function in a relationship, I need to be essential in their life – I need them to need me too.

I don´t want to be something on the side. I have no interest in being someone´s really interesting hobby. You would not believe the amount of people who thought that my life – including its many unconventional adventures and unbelievable heartaches – was a good reason to date me for a few weeks, and then dump me after mistaking curiosity for love.

Those people were just as inexperienced as me, and I´m sure they meant no harm. At the same time, their confusion has caused me regret a couple of times too many. Yes, my life has been strange and exciting and wonderful – and very unlike what many people have experienced. But if they want an exciting life, they need to go out and get their own.

In the end, being a true part of someone´s life has little to do with the amount of people you love or are involved with. If anything, multiple lovers can possibly deepen the relationship you have with each other. In my case, I think polyamory could add several dimensions to my life as well as some balance between independence and love.

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*Attraction to multiple genders.

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5 thoughts on “On Polyamory

  1. The few polygamous I’ve met and observed have been oddly shallow people. I couldn’t comprehend it at first, as it seemed that multiple relationships would deepen one’s emotional maturity and capacity for intimacy. Turns out, those that I observed, merely developed unique social behaviors. Essentially, they were insecure people, whom placated their insecurity by distracting themselves with multiple shallow relationships. Plus, life is far, far easier when you have multiple sex partners, whom due to the sex, are more likely to aid you in your life.

    Not saying someone has to be shallow or needy to be polygamous, just that I’ve seen it to be the trend. Hell, I’d have a relationship with multiple partners, so long as our multiple-partner relationship was closed. But then, I wouldn’t do it merely for attention and someone to pay the bills. Plus, observing the interactions of the polygamous was somewhat grotesque: for the “partners” to hide their true motives from themselves and each other, nearly all their interactions were superficial and.. there’s a word.. falsely positive? It was all a show – not even remotely resembling intimacy. Shudder to think about the kind of sex that would produce.

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    1. I don´t know that many polyamorous people – yet. It would be interesting to meet more of them and see how these relationships usually develop, although I think there´s no one general label to apply to polyamorous individuals as a group.

      I am sure some of them can be shallow. Thankfully I haven´t encountered anyone with this mindset, so far. I think to be truly polyamorous, a kind of maturity, openess in communication and brutal honesty is needed to keep the relationships genuine.

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  2. Ya, that’s what I reasoned out at first. But, if someone possesses those traits, they don’t have the character faults that prevent the formation of a permanent relationship. So.. why bother with “polygamy” at all? Unless, of course, two people in a permanent relationship happen upon a third person, and they all get along like magic – then it makes sense. But the idea that people are “polygamists” because they’re capable of forming multiple healthy, yet inexplicably impermanent, relationships?

    Sadly, it seems that the entire subculture is little more than an excuse for people to sleep around, and take advantage of each other under the shared delusion that they’re actually forming genuinely intimate relationships, when they’re doing little more than bumping uglies and financially supporting each other. Both things are perfectly ok with me, as long as actually defined as such. But pretending their superficial behavior resembles love, merely to placate their egotistical self-images? Well, that diminishes the cultural understanding of what constitutes love – which one does not merely jump in and out of.

    Love is a crucial component of human culture. If these “polygamists” actually fit my theoretic model of them, then they’re compromising the integrity of human culture in promoting their false ideologies. All to sleep around, work less, and feed their egos. Not cool, Zeus. Though, again, I would support a culture that practiced both acceptance of sex, aswellas financially supporting each other – so long as it’s framed as such. Hell, in that culture, I would be a fucking hero.

    Anyway, be careful.

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    1. Hi! Apologies for the late reply. Yes, I do feel that way about monosexuality too, although I did not feel that way before I came out. I was actually very straight. My views on this, even my views on serial monogamy, have changed a lot since.

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