This year has been weird. Due to my quite deep depression last winter, I did not celebrate any type of new years, and due to my injuries and CRPS I was homebound for most of the seasons. Getting back to walking, doing all my own shopping and groceries, and meeting friends took some getting used to, and so summer was over in the blink of an eye.
Now, the year is slowly drawing to a close, and I enjoy it. The shorter days, falling leaves, and stars in the cold night sky, all feel comforting, as if to say: “you made it”. At the same time, darker days could mean darker thoughts for me, and that´s why I´ve tasked myself with once again transforming my studio into a light, comfortable place.
I´m sanding my desk, table and bed, flushed and cleaned the drains, threw out the dead microwave, replaced the broken bulbs that I just let sit like that forever. Something to keep my brain busy and my awareness where it needs to be – here. Not stagnant in the past, not worrying about love, not dwelling on any difficult issues.
Fall means end, and ends mean new beginnings. I like that about this season. A time to have a garage sale or just take out all your old trash and put it on the curb. That´s kind of what I´m doing. It´s about wondering what old things I still carry around, that have become completely dysfunctional by now. Not just material, but emotional too.
Just like the trees, which won´t be much more than just glorified sticks by the end autumn is over, these past few weeks have mercilessly showed me the old habits that I am still carrying around. These old and tired habits mostly involve my relationship with other people and the endless struggle to pull them in closer or push them away further.
Interestingly, they are both sides of the same coin, and I understand now that my own attempts at getting very close with people can sometimes result in the complete opposite. I wondered what I am gaining from either situation, and how creating this paradox can actually help me get what I really want in life. More about that later.