In a paradox, you basically have a situation in which two or more things can be true yet contradict each other. I´ve read that paradoxes hold great power and that we, as humans, have an innate urge to run towards them. This is certainly true for me, as I have often been actively involved in scenarios where two realities seemed to collide onto each other.
I think gender transition exemplifies that life in itself is a huge paradox. Yes, I used to be the blonde chick in the picture. At the same time, I was never her. We often expect others to be a conglomerate of personality traits with a name tag on it, and yet we all know that this is far from the truth. We all change, and sometimes life changes within one second.
We all have one or multiple recurring paradoxes. For me, the most recurring one (aside from my gender identity) has been about love and being close to people, yet staying true to who I truly am. And although this isn´t a universal paradox, it is for me specifically. As I wrote earlier, I have a tendency, and a desire, to get lost in others.
Losing yourself in others is a bit like jumping from a plane. If you´ve ever gone skydiving, you probably know that agonizing split second in which you have to decide whether to jump or not. Jumping gives me a lot of kicks, but at the same time it means letting go of my own strengths. Fear of this has led to a rather solitary existence for me.
The solitude reinforces the feeling of wanting to get lost in someone, and the cycle continues. Weirdly though, I am always drawn to characters that will have none of it. They don´t want to share my personality and they don´t want me piggy-backing on theirs. They´d much rather I exist alongside them, in my own right, in my own strength.
The end result is that I always create a situation in which I end up alone – unlesss I confront myself and dare to embrace the power of my own presence. Which to be honest, I find intimidating. The lesson here is that contradictory realities, which are true at the same time, do hold great power for me – as long as I am willing to take that plunge.