The Paradox

paradox

In a paradox, you basically have a situation in which two or more things can be true yet contradict each other. I´ve read that paradoxes hold great power and that we, as humans, have an innate urge to run towards them. This is certainly true for me, as I have often been actively involved in scenarios where two realities seemed to collide onto each other.

I think gender transition exemplifies that life in itself is a huge paradox. Yes, I used to be the blonde chick in the picture. At the same time, I was never her. We often expect others to be a conglomerate of personality traits with a name tag on it, and yet we all know that this is far from the truth. We all change, and sometimes life changes within one second.

We all have one or multiple recurring paradoxes. For me, the most recurring one (aside from my gender identity) has been about love and being close to people, yet staying true to who I truly am. And although this isn´t a universal paradox, it is for me specifically. As I wrote earlier, I have a tendency, and a desire, to get lost in others.

Losing yourself in others is a bit like jumping from a plane. If you´ve ever gone skydiving, you probably know that agonizing split second in which you have to decide whether to jump or not. Jumping gives me a lot of kicks, but at the same time it means letting go of my own strengths. Fear of this has led to a rather solitary existence for me.

The solitude reinforces the feeling of wanting to get lost in someone, and the cycle continues. Weirdly though, I am always drawn to characters that will have none of it. They don´t want to share my personality and they don´t want me piggy-backing on theirs. They´d much rather I exist alongside them, in my own right, in my own strength.

The end result is that I always create a situation in which I end up alone – unlesss I confront myself and dare to embrace the power of my own presence. Which to be honest, I find intimidating. The lesson here is that contradictory realities, which are true at the same time, do hold great power for me – as long as I am willing to take that plunge.

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4 thoughts on “The Paradox

  1. This is amazing. What a cool perspective. My experience over the last year as I’ve come out to friends and family, many have allowed themselves to intertwine with me more deeply and emotionally. This goes for both my male friends and female friends. It seems to fill a void. The ‘jump’ with new people remains to be experienced. As for love/partnership kind of relationships, I have no anchor by which to go any more. I feel like I need to let my body go through the ensuing changes over the next couple of years before I can truly know how to be a partner or loving spouse again. I agree that the solitude can be intimidating but I think it’s also wondrous. What we learn about ourselves is scary and thrilling.

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    1. Thank you! I was doubtful about posting this at first. I do like to take a look at my own thoughts and take it a little further – sometimes so far it becomes gibberish. Thankfully not in this case😉

      I´ve also noticed that my relationships are becoming more genuine, although I think it´s not just due to my transition, but due to the stage of life I´m in. I long for deeper connections with those who are willing to stick around.

      Thank you for your perspective – it is certainly intimidating. Good to stay positive.

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      1. It’s funny you should mention that relationships are becoming more genuine due to life and growth too. I like to believe that for myself as well. Interestingly, when I came out to one of my girl friends her first comment was “oh my god, you’re going to be able to be some much more complete of a friend!” Which at first I was a little offended by, because I *am* a good friend! But she’s right and now it’s just seems so obvious.Removing the heavy non-stop guard of the gender-role-dance that we all do, tends to expose each other’s motivations. I think that opens people up more emotionally. Anyways.. I’m rambling here now. I’ve been dumbstruck by the number of people who have decided to stick around. Then again, it was somewhat at the price of my life becoming an open book. >:)

        Liked by 1 person

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