It´s the middle of the night, I can´t sleep and I desperately crave some type of snack. All I have are onions, a piece of ginger root, and some brocoli… no dice. Instead, I´ll be commenting on something Liam wrote, earlier yesterday. In his post he writes about the emotional changes that he experienced since starting T.
His description “tidal waves of emotion” really resonated for me. The problematic (or maybe fantastic) fact that women intensely feel, and have an ability to be engulfed by (or hopefully surf) this sequence of hormonal ebb and flow. I was never able to, like Liam, be in charge of this process or control it somehow. It knocked me over like a twig.
Although testosterone has certainly helped me become more balanced, this stubborn cycle of nature which I am in (also related to Shark Week or some people´s “friend”) is not willing to give me up that easily. “Hey!“, it bellows in my face, like a drill sergeant. “Where do you think you are going?! The learning curve is not over yet!“.
I am unsure whether I can blame these waves entirely on hormones, or other factors come into play as well (like my own bizarre background, or a Spanish upbringing watching telenovelas). Nevertheless, when I am in one of these deep emotional jumps, I rather remind myself of the women in those series, sobbing like it´s the end of the world.*
Maybe it´s a beautiful thing. I don´t know – my reaction to it tends to be somewhat sceptical, and in some situations downright amused. Like every time I suddenly feel that I need to share the deepest intricacies of my psyche with someone. Just like texting while drunk (which I don´t think I ever did), it tends to induce post-action regret.
Ah well. At this point in my life, I guess I can forgive my own brain, and my body, for engaging in a soap opera now and then. I just dearly hope that others can understand these episodes the way I do. Understand the earnest seriousness of them, the intensity of what I am feeling at that moment – and yet still take it with a pinch of salt.
* Small annotation: I seldom sob like it´s the end of the world.