Dead End (No More)

quicksand

I would love to go to sleep. I honestly would. But thoughts are roaming my brain in confusion, wandering into each other, knocking each other over. If I don´t let them out now, I will have anarchy on my hands in no time. So it´s okay, thoughts, if you´ll just behave for a second, me and my trusty IBM keyboard will set you free.

I´ve written a lot of posts about being stuck in a dead-end, particularly when I started out writing in March. The Dis-ease of Waiting, Depression, Normalized Care, Bricks in my Pants, Please Stand-By, are all examples. This feeling was mostly caused by my frustrations with transgender care in our country, where transition = psychological analysis.

Whether psychological analysis is necessary for someone to transition, or not  (I think not, depending on the manner in which such analysis is being carried out), transitioning implies moving from one place in your life to another. The old place is no longer functional. If you linger in an obsolete life for too long, it can cause you to feel stagnated.

I do not think that this is healthy. Of course, some people might need time, and I am not advocating that you should just rush your transition, and have all the changes made within a couple of months. That would be incredibly unwise. But waiting a year or more from coming out to actually going on hormones, and feeling desperate in the meantime, can have repercussions.

Admittedly I´m no scientist, it´s merely intuition, which makes me feel that stagnation induces depression, and in other cases, even suicidality. It is absolutely not inherent to being transgender, contrary to what many statistics and newspaper articles might have people believe. Changing your life for the better doesn´t induce suicidality, circumstances do.

This was my situation. From December to July (when I started testosterone on my own initiative), I frequented the emergency room due to breakdowns, anxiety, severe tension (urinary retention), and severe injuries caused by panic attacks. I still feel that transgender care on its own and its focus on analysis and examination does more harm than good.

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