Feeling weird is not news for me. I´ve felt strange for a majority of my life – and I never could quite explain it, so I attributed this feeling to the mental strategy of dissociation. My mind must just be disconnecting itself from reality, I thought, in order to shield itself from intense emotions and the fight-or-flight response.
It wasn´t until I came out and started adjusting to my actual gender (male), that I realized this incongruence between my awareness and my physical reality might be really there – undeniable truth, rather than mental strategy. That the person who looked back when I gazed in the mirror, really was someone else.
Since I started HRT*, this Kafkaesque division of realities has deepened. Though the resemblance between me and my reflection grows, the gap between my body and my conscious presence widens to the extent that it no longer feels as though it were “mine”. It belongs to a distant reality – my old self -, or a parallel universe, at best.
More than ever I´ve become fascinated with things that used to frighten the living daylights out of me, and that probably aren´t well received by most – topics such as autoimmune disease, physical anomalies and decay. The reason for this fascination is simple – I feel as though my body is transmuting into something else.
These topics simply aren´t pretty. They are about as pretty as a newborn coming into life – while the beauty of it is tied to emotion and our ability to see beyond physical existence – there is no denying that witnessing birth (or death) can be an incredibly upsetting and alienating experience no matter how transcendental it was.
Maybe that´s where I´m at. Transcending, and yet as close to my physical reality as I can possibly be. Morphing in my chrysalis, kicking and struggling, barely patient enough to be let out and greet the sunlight. Wanting to wake up and witness the miraculous transformation of my body. From one life into the next.
Additional reading: How Caterpillars Gruesomely Turn Into Butterflies (ZME Science Online).
*HRT: Hormone Replacement Therapy.