Contusions. Bruises. Blood on the floor. Checking for broken bones. Sound severe? I don´t talk about it a lot. For fear that others will try and understand me, rather than just empathize. For fear that others will be as crude towards me as I am towards myself. “Why don´t you grow up? You´re nearly thirty. Self-harm isn´t for adults“.
Maybe I have that impression because adults never talk about these things. They all seem so together. When the doc asks me how badly I hurt myself, I almost never tell her the full truth. I´ll say I have a few bruises here and there, not that I´m afraid I might end up with more fractures. For fear they´ll classify me as completely nuts.
It´s hard for people to understand why I do this to myself. It´s hard for me to understand too. I do really feel much better than I ever did before starting testosterone. Before, I often felt suicidal, lacking the will to live. I almost never feel that way, anymore. But I still can´t handle my body. The more masculine I feel, the more I dissociate from it.
I don´t think I´m nuts. I do seem to have an extreme reaction to dysphoria, worse than others, maybe. Or maybe they don´t talk about it either. Sometimes when my body triggers me, I completely flip and that´s when it happens. I try to cope by urging parts of my body to go to hell. By inflicting pain. By trying to deny them.
Therapists would argue that I need therapy. I don´t think that therapy in itself is going to cure me of dysphoria, much like “talking about it” isn´t going to cure someone who has a broken arm. I´ve had dysphoria for years, and self-harmed before I even knew gender incongruence was a thing.
People tell me that my body is male because I am male. Still, I can´t reconciliate the way I feel with the way parts of my body behave, and I don´t know what to do about it. If it were up to me, I´d have surgery this month. Sadly, it´s up to others to decide whether I am prepared enough. Even though I am as prepared as I´ll ever be.