It´s one of those weeks – or better said, one week in one of those months. Where I´m just stressed out and in denial about my body, trying to pretend it isn´t really there. I walk around with clenched butt cheeks, gritting teeth and a murderous headache, angrily refusing to relax, because if I do so, I´ll basically be allowing my body to be the way it is.
Yeah, I know. The reasoning behind that one is a little mixed up. I mean, no matter how uptight I choose to be, at the end of the day I am still going to have what I have. Trying to control it just works to aggravate me more, and then some more, until I end up in one of my obsessive-compulsive spins, the ones that cause horrible anxiety and agitation.
The other choice I have is to accept what I have and to acknowledge how that makes me feel. The thing is that I don´t want to feel pain. I don´t want to feel regret. I don´t want to feel powerless. Even if I allowed myself these emotions, I really wouldn´t know what to do with them. I wish that I just could get those surgeries now. Get it over with.
It isn´t just the fact that some of my body parts are alien to me. There are so much memories attached to them, memories that I don´t particularly cherish, in which I tried to conform to my female gender. Memories of being intimate in ways that now upset me when I think about them. It feels as though that person was someone else entirely.
It´s not that all of I sudden I hate all people I´ve ever been intimate with. But I hate to remember how reluctant I usually was to do so. The fact that I only had this body, and not a second one in storage, made it difficult for me not only to experience intimacy but to provide my partners with the same kind of feeling. The memories are rather traumatic.
At the moment I don´t know what to do about that. I could get therapy, but my experience with gender therapists up to this point hasn´t been particularly good. Even if, by some miracle, I find a gender therapist that I can be honest with, I don´t know what to do first – get surgery and process my emotions later? Or make peace with my body first?