Vicious Circle

handcuffs

My bottom dysphoria has been impossible to manage in the last four days. I do all that I can to get my mind off it, go for long walks, go running, play games, mod games, watch the Simpsons, and write, which is why I´ve been so active posting. Even with all these distractions though, I still need all the benzodiazepines.

It started with a trigger, a confrontation with one of my worst phobias. Since, I haven´t been able to turn a blind eye to the area in the way that I usually try to. Instead, I now want bloody revenge, some kind of accountability on the part of the crotch for getting in my way and sabotaging my life. I have trouble thinking of it like an innocent body part.

Maybe to other people this sounds insane. To dissociate from a part of your body by portraying it as a villain, an evil saboteur, only out to get you and tackle you in your weakest moment, is to divide and victimize yourself. Both strategies that don´t contribute to feeling stronger and more in control. It´s nothing more than just another organ.

Why would people do this to themselves then, engage in relentless yet pointless conflict? Scratch at themselves literally (in the sense of cutting or other self-harm) or figuratively like a cat trying to get rid of that shiny new bell their owner bestowed on them? Maybe it´s instinct to get rid of something you feel is not inherently yours, is foreign on your body.

Whatever the reason is, it´s easy to lose yourself in a vicious circle, where the intense longing to be free and hyper-focus on the obstacle makes the obstacle that much bigger and almost impossible to surmount. I know this better than most and yet a trigger like the above mentioned will capture me, make me a hostage of my own brain yet again.

Maybe the only way to escape from this is to reverse your actions, to gradually reduce the amount of weapons you´re using in the fight and let body parts (or other aspects of your life) be what they are for the time being, knowing that you don´t have to accept it but that you don´t have to let them ruin your life.

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