It´s been apparent from previous posts that I´ve written, that I have a very complicated relationship with my downstairs area. Dysphoria in this area frequently leads to problems like not being able to urinate (Pissing Drama), and is exacerbated by a shameful condition called PGAD or RGS, Restless Genital Syndrome.
I wrote about this topic first when I was pre-T. Back then the condition was worse than it is now (I think taking testosterone helped), it used to keep me up for nights in a row and cause intense anxiety, dissociation, and even suicidal thoughts. It seems to be tied in with the working of the hormonal system and is worse pre and during Shark Week.
Though I have been successful in sabotaging attempts on the part of my GP to help me with physical problems, there have been some techniques that I have found to be helpful. My dysphoria makes me tend to hyper-focus on the area and therefore benzodiazepines have proven helpful (serax, in particular). They take that extreme focus away.
Back in June I bought lidocaine without a prescription, which helps but came in such an absurdly small quantity that I had to ration it scrupulously. Keep in mind that at this point I did not have the courage to confess this problem to the practicioner, and when I tried to confess it to other transmen, I got zero feedback or recognition.
My GP has been very understanding of my problems, and she has been totally cool with my hesitance to call certain body parts by their gendered names. Sometimes I´m scared that she thinks I´m trying to manipulate her because I don´t trust her (or anyone) with this kind of information and am not honest about everything I deal with.
Tomorrow I have another appointment and I plan to come clean this time. PGAD/RGS is still a very little known disorder and there is absolutely no information out there about how to deal with this in transmen who use hormones. This means I will have to explain to her what the condition is and how I need help. I hope she´ll understand.