Yesterday I crashed hard. And I am not done crashing yet. I spiraled into a complete state of anxiety over my body, trying to control it, failing, getting angry and trying to control it more. You can see where this is headed. The hyper-focus on specific zones just made it worse, and my body protested, as if saying “just let me be”.
I can be a complete tyrant and a despot towards myself. This might be difficult for other people to understand. They probably don´t get how this dysfunctional behavior could ever benefit me. The answer is it doesn´t. But due to situations I experienced in the past, my brain is hard-wired to resent any type of powerlessness.
When I get in a state like this, attempting to adjust the situation means to introduce thoughts that are opposite to my gut feeling, that directly conflict with the way I have always handled these situations, and that directly conflict with the teachings that I had as a child, whether they were deeply dysfunctional or not.
Sometimes I´m not able to stop the overwhelming push to exercise control over myself, and it always ends up headed in the same direction, namely complete exhaustion and self-destruction (sometimes literal). The paradox is that I want to be free and by trying to achieve this I lock myself up in a personal police state.
However awful and horrible my own police state may be, when I´m in it I get a sense of being protected from things that I find hard to stomach, such as having been born with this body. Letting go of my own inner tyrant, at times, is so demanding for me that I completely zone out and start feeling sick to my stomach.
I don´t know how long it will take me to be easier towards myself. To not be such a dick. I genuinely want to stop tormenting myself so much, but maybe I will not be able to do so until I get top and bottom surgery. Today my doc said that I was doing well considering the circumstances. That at least I am managing to survive.