Those who checked my post “The Breakdown” will know that I´m having a little bit of trouble keeping my mental health in check these last couple of weeks. It´s been very rough. Since darkness set in and days started getting shorter, the amount of space in my brain that usually allows leniency and flexibility got much smaller.
The mental health problems were exacerbated by the fact that there were mice in my tiny studio, as it turns out the floor had holes in them and in one corner the whole business had started to sink, resulting in a floor that was no longer horizontal, and as a result the furniture on it (including my bed) was standing askew too.
The holes were fixed yesterday, so I decided to take myself out of my house for a while. Originally I wanted to go kayaking, but when the owner of the rental business heard of my plan, he convinced me to rent a boat (above), because in a kayak I could potentially tip over in the freezing November water, get hypothermia and die. Point taken.
I am happy that he told me not to, because as it turns out – as soon as I got out of the harbor, a speedboat crossed me and threw giant waves – the boat rocked like crazy and I had trouble keeping on course – imagine what´d have happened if I´d been in a little plastic craft. The trip took me about 2,5 hours through a nature reserve.
It was my first time operating a motorized boat. To be sincere I freaked out a little bit that I would get stuck somewhere, some parts of the river were quite narrow – and then when I moored it took me a while to figure out how to get the engine running again. Nevertheless I managed to do everything fine and spotted a bird that looked like a big hawk very close.
On my way back I went to see some family, and perhaps it was a bit much, since I was completely exhausted and still had to travel back home afterwards, phobia of public transportation and all. Unfortunately at night I suffered another major breakdown and had to call the psychiatric line. The dude I talked to was, thankfully, very friendly.
He said he´d arrange for me to come in for another chat as soon as possible. I hope that it will help – it´s scary to think that it´s November and I still have all these cold and dreary months ahead of me, and a brain that is partially messed up. I am trying hard to get out of my old habits and my compulsions. But it´s impossible to do by myself.