Wavering

blacvscolor

It´s been a few days since my sleeping schedule was completely upside down. In retrospect, the fact that I spent quite a few days devoid of light (I was wide awake at night and asleep half of the day) explains a lot of the shit that went on in my mind. It´s day three of a normal sleeping routine, and I still feel a little wonky.

The filter that I usually have to shield me from outside inputs, such as noises, bright lights and quick visual changes (like online advertising and pop-ups) weakened a lot in just a week. I´m having trouble not being triggered by such things and have to actively expose myself to them in order to remain stable.

I would do yoga and running, I wish I could do more, but due to a few injuries (I injured my ribs while binding, and have one weaker elbow due to an old fracture) it´s become very challenging, if not impossible to do so. Even though I discussed this with my GP a while ago (and she thought it´d be gone by now), it´s more painful.

This sort of stuff is making it difficult not to feel like a victim. When I get like this, it´s hard not to think in absolutes, and I feel like I´m living between color and black and white. I´m scared that people will continue to judge me based on this, and will think that I´m “too unstable” for any of the stuff I need, like testosterone.

I feel hurt and angry that I asked my GP for antidepressants a while ago (a few months) and she just said to wait. It seems as though that´s the answer I´ve gotten from every therapist in my life so far; “you can´t deal with this now, just wait”. Wait until it gets worse. I trust my own instincts, but other people frequently don´t.

Sometimes I feel as though I start feeling like an infant because this is the attitude professionals often adopt towards me. The main assumption seems to be that I need to have somebody making decisions for me. The only thing this does is make me feel even more powerless and inadequate, and I hate them for it.

I´m not sure what to do at this point. The sad part is although I wish I could just disconnect from this dependent and enabling relationship with therapists and psychiatrists, at the moment mostly due to gender dysphoria, I need them in some degree to cover the cost of expenses such as testosterone.

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