When I came out a little more than a year ago, people were surprised, but very supportive. To ease the transition in their mind, from old me to new me, I sent a few people some pictures of me (this was back when I hadn´t started testosterone yet). I passed, but I still looked a little bit like a hybrid. A quite feminine, shy boy with a cute face.
When I started T, I feel like this has faded away quite quickly. I look the way I feel – a random white guy. A little bit boring maybe, even. Very normal in comparison to the extravagant clothing I used to wear, from my tye-dye seventies pants to the row of steel earrings and piercings in my ears. People read me like Average Guy, and I like it.
I know not everybody feels this way. I haven´t felt this way for a long time – when I lived as a girl, I always felt non-binary in the sense that I felt male but tried to be female at the same time. Which is probably the reason I´ve considered the possibility of being gender-fluid before I came out of the closet. On the scale, I said I felt 78% male.
After I came out, when I started going by my new name, this changed quite fast. On the gender scale, I went from 78% male to feeling 85% male when I had lived as Rowan half a year and then 95% male when I started testosterone. It´s the same now. I will never feel 100% male because I believe there is still a female side to me. Just not a large one.
I don´t mind people who identify as non-binary. Or agender. Or genderfluid. I think it´s rather cool, that people can truly be themselves and not have to restrict themselves to some type of box. Personally I feel okay within the box. So when somebody sent me pictures of Conchita Wurst, thinking I would identify with it, I felt weird.
I´m not comfortable with being between genders because it´s not who I am. I like being in a boring, worn-out category. Sure, there is a possibility that I might not be in this box forever, that I might step out of it, and venture further into gender. But at this moment I feel happiest being the dudeliest I can be, and becoming some plain old man.
I´ll be a plain old man who likes to be alone in the outdoors, one who fervently hates consumerism and shopping, one who likes to spent time writing and building little miniature World War Two tanks and planes. I´ll be a big stereotype with some feminine streaks and I´ll be proud as a peacock about being a sensitive manly man.