Yet another post about medication. I will still write all those other posts I had in mind, the ones about feminism and counter-movements; and posts to add to my how-to category, and posts to recommend awesome sites and products. Yet it is winter, the absolute nemesis of my mental health; thus those ideas will collect dust until next year.
I have been debating whether or not to restart antidepressant medication in the last four months. When I was about twenty, I was on this type of medication (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors, SSRI for short) for about two years and it worked rather well. True, they made me feel sort of neutral, unable to feel highs and lows. But they worked.
The intention with taking this type of medication, for me, is to take away the extremes I sometimes experience, especially from the months of November to March. During this time last year, things got so bad that I severely injured myself, and I was too busy surviving my own brain than actually being able to live my life.
Since I started taking testosterone, it´s become apparent to me that indeed most of my extremes are related to hormones, specifically to the fluctuations in hormones that are inherent to the cycles female-born people usually go through. Rather than just having PMS, my mother and me always had the more severe version PMDD.
PMDD is usually characterized by extreme emotions that seem to come out of nowhere and can include severe temporary depression, suicidality, aggression and self-harm. For both me and my mother these symptoms were out of control for a long, long time – and unfortunately testosterone has not taken them away just yet.
Even though I generally feel much better on testosterone, I still get this week where my brain goes in a weird loop and engages in the above. I´m genuinely scared of this – because my ability to think logically is diminished by the intensity of these episodes. I never know how I might react to circumstances and whether or not I might end up panicking.
Despite my hesitations towards SSRI´s (I would rather my hormones evened out for once and for all, and let me live my life normally), I decided to test-drive them again for a while, so I can feel safer at least during the rest of this winter. I am feeling better than all years before, more confident and in control, so I hope this goes well.