My brain is not happy this early afternoon. Two days ago, I sat in front of my desk staring at the SSRI, unsure what to do. Do I take it? Do I leave it? My motivations for taking it were just as strong as the motivations I had to leave it. I wanted to take it because every step of the way, with this brain, is exhausting. I could use some help. I could use something to dull the obsessive tendencies and the anxiety.
They do help. Every time I take them, the parts of my brain that cause me incessant stress, just switch off. It makes me feel kind of… nothing, really. And feeling nothing is awesome if feelings usually disable your ability to think clearly. The first day, I had a plethora of side effects. A mild headache, tension, I felt so sick I wanted to throw up. But I would have endured.
Had it not been that again, the medication caused acute urinary retention – which then caused overflow incontinence. Fantastic, really. When I went for a walk, my bladder hurt so much that I panicked trying to find some bushes to pee in, and on the second day of taking it, urinating felt like trying to pass a pine cone (a big one for that matter). No choice. I quit.
Well, I tried. It sucks, to be honest. I want to be able to have a normal life, I don´t want my hormones and the genetics of my brain to run the show for me. Every time they do, I feel disabled and invalidated. Every day, I wake up having to monitor my own brain; what is it doing at this moment, how am I feeling and why exactly, do I need to do some deep breathing, or go for a hour long walk outside?
It´s not that I don´t enjoy taking care of myself, but the fact that taking care of myself is an obligation that I will come to regret, dare I neglect it. Rather than a chore, I wish that I could go for a walk simply because I felt good and the sun is shining – instead I go for a walk because I know that if I fail to do so, my emotions later degenerate to an uncontrollable level.
Maybe this sounds like a whole bunch of complaining. I don´t know. Sometimes I feel completely normal, like I could go out and have a regular life, work, all that jazz. The next day I wake up totally messed up and unable to function. I´m just tired of it. It´d be nice if I could travel to the future for a bit and have my future self ease my mindset.