Finding Atlas

atlas

A shift is happening in my perception of my self and my transition in the last four to six months. It has been compounded by the efforts of  the gender clinic to align my goals with theirs, and encouraged when I cut loose the umbilical cord and started testosterone by myself. It started to crystallize in November, when I scrambled out of my breakdown.

This new bearing I found is mainly the result of a situation in which those who are in a position of power are having a too easy time pushing my buttons. Their decisions about my life, which are not rightfully theirs to take (such as the decision to allow for hormone use and allow for surgery), easily tap into my anger, frustration, and victim-hood.

When I look at the gender clinic, and I look at the way different parties are behaving towards me – including my general practitioner – it´s immediately apparent that they are working from the idea that I don´t have enough autonomy to shoulder my own weight. This is happening at every turn I take and it´s been like this my entire life.

Maybe as a kid I yielded too much. My parents were so busy descending into insanity – the grudge they held against me for simply having been born was surreal – that I opted to merely stop existing. Physically I existed, but that was about it. There was no real sense of self. For years, I left big important decisions about me in the hands of others.

It was fine at first. Therapists kept working to figure out what was wrong with me, and the government provided in the times that I could not work. Everything was figured out for me. To some people´s amazement I did not know the difference between net and gross salary and I had never given thought to things like retirement pension.

Maybe I stayed a child for too long. Maybe I needed to be a child for a lot longer than normal people do. Other kids, I guess, could go out and have fun, and forget about the troubles of the world – whereas I stood witness to the destruction of my own psyche and life by two people who were busy destroying their own in the process.

Transition has made one thing obviously clear. I do not want to be a child anymore. My past is being reflected in every single move by every single person of authority around me and it´s driving me to do the complete opposite of what everybody expected: not crumble and plea for support, but becoming my own person.

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