I´ve neglected this blog for a little while, in the Christmas and New Year period (have a great one, everybody). This was partially due to the other stuff of life and partially on purpose. Mainly, I wanted to see if I would be able to keep my mental focus on one thing, namely keeping my brain in check during these months specifically.
Usually during this time of the year I´m a complete mess. For the last six or seven years, every January, February and March have been intolerable. In those years I had been severely depressive, cut-off from my friends, isolating, and sometimes even feeling suicidal or visiting the ER due to injuries that I sustained in anxiety attacks.
Nothing of the sort is happening this year. To my own surprise, I actually feel normal. Like normal people do. This is nothing short of amazing for me, and I attribute it to a few different things. First, I am finally living in the gender I was always meant to be in. Second, I now actually have a hormonal system, ergo emotions, that match my identity.
Third, I am working like a madman to keep my mental health up to speed. I am doing this partly because I will not give the gender specialists the satisfaction of telling me that I am not strong enough to shoulder my transition. I will prove to myself that I can overcome anything they throw at me, and that their lack of faith in me is ridiculous.
I am also doing it because I feel I am headed somewhere different. I feel like I am needed – like I need to stand up now and demonstrate what I am able to do. For this reason I have been doing yoga, going on long hikes, working out, and meditating every day for the past two months. I am logging every bit of progress I make on a calendar.
It´s a lot of work. The funny thing, when you are on disability, is people think you sit on your ass all day and do nothing. This was certainly true when I was suffering from depression, when I was suffering from near psychotic breakdowns, and wanting to put myself in harms way. My mind did not allow for any possibilities then.
This mind of mine, including the emotions that are influenced by it, have changed immensely since I started testosterone, now six months ago. I feel more mature, more calm, more patient. Standing up and fighting for something, and being happy, has become something I can do, rather than a daunting and frightening task.