Hibernation

blues1

It´s been seven months on testosterone. At first, nothing could stop me. I was an explosion of energy – the new hormones had turned me into Speedy Gonzales. Not even recently broken bones could stop me from grabbing my bike and going for long trips, in the first weeks that I had started using gel. Oh boy, things are different now.

It might be the end of the winter, too. When I was a kid, winters used to be cold. The sun would shine, frequently, with clear blue skies – all the lakes and the rivers would freeze up into giant mirrors of ice, and everyone that could walk would grab their skates and draw perfect incisions across the surface. But we haven´t had that kind of winter for years.

It´s mostly overcast, around 5 C (that´s 41 Fahrenheit, according to Google). Not very cold and not very warm either. It snows now and then, only to immediately melt away – which is fine by me. However the lack of sunlight does tend to get to you. Especially around the end of the winter. Man, I just want to sleep.

At the same time, this year is so different from all the others, the ones where I was pre-T. The ones before I came out, back when I still thought my body defined me as a woman, and so a woman I should be. Usually during this time of the winter, I´d completely collapse. Last year I broke my first toe in an anxiety fit around this time, then a second.

And yet I feel fine most of the time. Relatively fine. Meaning that I am not having these extreme emotions anymore, no overwhelming feelings of rage, even the PMDD does not seem to be catching on this month. I do get dysphoric from time to time, and of course a fair amount of anxiety due to this – which I still try to combat with mindfulness.

When I went to get my blood levels checked last month, it turned out that my testosterone levels had risen to almost double what they were in November. I am wondering if this is accounting for my unusual, newfound stability. If I can hold on to this state of calm, levelheadedness, then I am sure this year will bring great things.

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