The past weeks I´ve not been doing so good. I´m not sure why – I survived the winter! It´s really gone – the sun goes up early, settles late – birds are chirping everywhere and trees starting to blossom. It went surprisingly well, to be honest. The first winter that I was able to socialize without isolating.
Like in November, when I had my last major breakdown, I found myself clashing with emotions that emanate from the past. It starts with feelings of worthlessness – the persistent idea that I don´t really matter – which then escalates into the opposite emotion: rage. It awakens in response to the worthless feeling, and can be quite destructive.
Rage is a very conflicting emotion in the sense that it is protective and destructive at the same time. I´ve experienced rage at the hands of others in the past, and thus grew up surrounded by rage from an early age. I never quite understood it, and had trouble managing it when I grew up. The rage mostly expressed as self-hatred.
This time, the rage is still destructive, but at the same time, something different is happening. Rather than being a vengeful ghost – plotting the misfortune of those who have hurt me in the past – it seems to be pushing me to get over the feeling of worthlessness. It seems to be handing me courage and the will to move forward.
The rage is no longer guided towards myself or towards others in particular. Instead, it slowly becomes a driving force. A force which is pushing me to let go of the false conceptions I hold about myself. My unwillingness to embrace the fact that no part of me is female, regardless of the gender that my body has expressed while pre-op.
Maybe the change is too radical, too sudden for me to truly understand. Maybe my brain is just as stubborn as that of an outsider, for whom my transition between genders might have come as a “thunderbolt out of a clear sky“. * It catches up to the reality at hand only slowly – the reality that there is nothing left to hate. I am already myself.
* “Donderslag bij heldere hemel“. A Dutch expression indicating something that was completely unexpected.