Tug-of-War

tugofwar

2017, so far, has been a lot more tolerable than 2016. Which is not weird considering that social media declared 2016 “worst year ever”. For me 2016 could be summed up as “fractured two bones, complex regional pain syndrome, wheelchair and crutches, suicidal, self-harm, depression“. Starting T was a turning point.

Although taking hormones has made a big difference, things are not great. Whereas in the past I used to suffer major depression and crises, now I have moved into a tug-of-war that involves optimism and pessimism. Optimism says; things are better than before! Now, you can soar to great heights!

Pessimism hangs on to the negative, with an obsessive tenacity that I have described when I wrote about The OCD Monster. Instead of normal dysphoria, I experience crippling rage at the fact that the chesticles are still there, and do everything in my power to make them disappear, using kinesiology tape and a binder.

As I´ve proven in the past, I am perfectly able to ignore the chesticles and downward area when I am in a state of mindfulness. When I achieve that state, pretty much nothing bothers me. Mindfulness in today´s society however is a rare thing to achieve, and getting there does not mean it will stay, either.

Since the workings of our brain are complex,  imbalance of any kind can easily destroy your new-found ability to cope. Too little sleep, lack of a certain vitamin in your body, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sunlight, lack of neurotransmitters… they all influence your ability to be Zen. And then well, you might fall apart.

Pessimism will use these negative situations to its own advantage, and is not easily persuaded by any optimism. Battling it has taught me that you need  to outsmart it at every turn. When it tells you to freak out, remain calm. When it tells you to hide in your bed, go outside and sit in the sun.

By taking away credibility from it, little bits at the time, it will essentially subside. It takes cojones and a good deal of insight in who you really are. After all, the tendency to be pessimistic is not a part of my personality, and neither is it part of your personality. Pessimism is fear, fear of personal change.

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